you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
