True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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