You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
