No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
