I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
