we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
