i would punch a child for taco bell
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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