I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can vaginas get frostbite?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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