at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
