the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
