it hurts more in the daytime
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
