I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
