Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
