Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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