I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
