He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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