Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
