shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
