Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
