You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
