dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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