Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
