Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
this hospital has no fireball
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
