I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Oh god it's open bar.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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