she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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