Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
