it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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