Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
