Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
