I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
