Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
