Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
