i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
