I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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