Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
