Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
