Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
