My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
