Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
