Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
