we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
