Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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