i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
