Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
