Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Randomize
