i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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