I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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