party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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