so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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