its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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